“We need to talk.”

It’s amazing how those four words — sent by a boss, colleague, client, contractor or loved one — can set you into a panic. Immediately you might think:

• What did I do wrong?
• Is it over?
• How can I recover?
• Am I losing my job?

I remember when a client sent me that message right after I’d bypassed traditional review channels and sent their entire leadership team my report of our brand work. When I got his text, my heart sank. I imagined the devastation to my business and personal reputation from a project gone wrong. I envisioned all the apology notes and conversations where I’d have to grovel to try to salvage what was obviously a colossal mistake.

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And I remember when I sheepishly called my client to “talk,” and they told me how thrilled they were with my work and my confidence to send the report directly to the leadership team, instead of bottlenecking the process by asking for permission first.

Whew.

When given a message that’s confusing, ambiguous or unexpected, most of us seem to immediately imagine doom and gloom. This can’t be good, we tell ourselves. But can we reframe that self-talk? What if we told ourselves a more open-minded or positive message, instead of the bad one?

I’ve learned to do this (and it’s taken a lot of practice). Here are the steps I follow when something hits my inbox that I causes me to catch my breath:

1. First, Pause

I remember that I can’t possibly know the intention of the message; I can just feel the impact. While the impact might be, “Ouch! That hurts!” or confusion if the message is vague and ambiguous, by pausing, we allow ourselves to consider alternatives to that initial fight-or-flight response that we may feel.

2. Next, Consider the Context

Was the person sending the message running through the airport trying to catch a plane and may have left out some emotion or information that would explain some of the message’s curtness?

3. Then, Consider the Sender

Some people speak and write with brevity, leaving out details to be more succinct, and their messages come across more pointed and unfeeling. Does this mean they’re always angry? Quite the opposite. They would describe themselves as efficient.

4. Ask, ‘What Do I Know About the Situation?’

In the above example where I took the initiative and sent the report to the leadership team, I knew my client’s company valued independent thinking. I knew they liked when people spoke up and challenged assumptions. I also knew my client to be an empathetic leader. I should have believed he would applaud my initiative, rather than worry he was upset with me.

5. Finally, Respond with a Clear Mind

Often, confusing messages require clarification. Decide in advance whether clarifying is best done in written form (email, text or direct message) or verbally (on the phone, video meeting or in person). It’s important to understand what the sender intended to convey, as this can avert a negative or devastating reaction from you.

Most of us don’t enjoy getting confusing messages, especially the ones that send us down the rabbit hole of despair or panic. Catching ourselves before we spiral into negative beliefs can empower us to see things more clearly and to evaluate our responses more calmly.

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